You worry about others getting upset at you for setting boundaries (aka saying “no” or “ I can’t help you”) to something they requested of you.

(Maybe it was driving them somewhere, or asking you to help them move. Maybe it’s helping them prepare for an interview when you don’t have the energy to do it).

You worry about others thinking of you in a negative way - maybe that’s because someone has gotten upset, or didn’t respond so well when you did say what you needed before. They might have argued with you, not agreed with your boundary. Maybe they made you think you were selfish or mean for setting boundaries.

And that really hurt.

It’s an unfortunate reality that when you’ve tried to set a boundary it didn’t go well. And these experiences led you to believe you cannot set boundaries, because it has not worked, and you think it will not work. It was was too stressful last time I tried it and it’s not worth it.

But here is why boundaries get a bad rap: usually it’s because people didn’t know they needed to set boundaries, didn’t feel comfortable t set boundaries, and/or don’t know how to do it.

So when they finally do state a boundary… They share their boundaries in a way they didn’t intend to.

For example they might have been loud, sounded annoyed, accusatory, impatient, short etc. Usually, that’s because the feelings have been kept under wraps for too long… (because they’ve let all the frustrations pile up and get overloaded).

And luckily that scenario I just mentioned, doesn’t need to be you.  

My next tip for you (get the other tips here in my Adults with Immigrant Parents Email Community) is to stop viewing boundaries as a bad thing. Boundaries are meant to protect your time, your energy, your feelings, and you. They are meant to strengthen your relationships with the people you love the most.

You no longer need to think boundaries are bad. 

You can stop feeling stuck and uncertain on how to set boundaries. 

That’s why I created Unshaken Confidence. I love helping more and more adults with immigrant parents, like you, strengthen their relationships through boundary setting.

I love helping my clients move from feeling stuck to feeling supported to feeling empowered.

I want to empower you to know HOW to set boundaries and WHEN you might want to do it, so you can have the choice. And not feel like you are stuck saying “yes” (yet again) and then feel so burnt out that you are upset and annoyed at the very people you want to help. 

I want to help you feel empowered knowing what your limits (aka boundaries are) so that you know you have options. And so that you know what potential triggers are, so you don’t have to sit back later this evening, and feel soooo “bad” and “guilty” for how you talked to your mom that you overcompensate (and help her even more than you want to) the next time you see her. Because if you overcompensate and end not having boundaries again - you’re getting deeper in the same pattern. 

The hardest thing I had to learn is that you have to set boundaries if you want to keep the relationships.

And the beauty is - you don’t need others to be on board with you setting boundaries.

It seems counterintuitive but you don’t always NEED to set boundaries with people you don’t care about- because you won’t need to deal with them again. You could care less if they are back in your life, so you may not work on setting boundaries with them in the same way you would with a loved one.

By you even thinking about how to set boundaries with someone, shows how much you actually care about this person. So know that boundaries don’t deserve their bad rap. You can learn to do it in a way that will help you feel happier about how you show up. 

Check out Unshaken Confidence if you are ready to start enjoying more of your relationships today.